Why Am I Always Happy?

The short answer to that is because I am a Christian who has a real relationship with Jesus and my identity is in Him. But life would be boring if it consisted only of short answers to questions like this. So I'm going to go ahead and get into the analytical depths of this topic.

The truth is that sometimes people who have a real relationship with Jesus aren't always happy. And I most certainly didn't get there until after a bunch of life lessons, realizations, and epiphanies. But it makes me very happy that people tell me that what they like about me is that I'm always happy and smiling. It also makes me happy that my happiness is for real -- I don't do it just to put up a front.

There are several reasons for it. First of all, my life is richly blessed and I really think it'd take an extremely stupid individual not to be happy in my circumstances. I have two mega nice jobs in this economy, and even though I hate one of them, I will admit that it's a pretty good deal that some others only dream of. I have a lot of people who are ready to be there for me if I need them, and who truly care. The people I love all love me back and want me in their lives. My family is incredible. I have an apartment with a mind blowing view that I can easily afford. I'm healthy to the bone. I have endless opportunities to pursue my hobbies and aspirations. I say that's enough for happiness already, yet I see people out there who have it all, and more, and still can't find the happiness within them. Therefore, it's obvious that it's an emotion rooted on the inside of us and does not depend on the circumstances around, even though we might think it does.

What aided my happiness was a piece of advise someone somewhat wise once gave me: don't expect anything from anyone. Brilliant! I've stuck with it for years now, and it has worked incredibly well. Not only does it eliminate dependence on others to make you feel a certain way, but it also makes those around you happier because there's no pressure on them to make you feel good. Instead, you can cheer them up just by being cheerful! It also makes the moments when people come through for you extra special. Since you don't expect anything from them, it's a nice surprise when they do something good, and it makes you happier than you would've been if they simply met your expectations.

The final reason for my happiness most certainly drives some people insane because they feel like they don't ever have all of me. But oh well. My parents taught me to give my all, but never feel like I own something or someone. This way if I am forced to let go, I am not too attached for that to make my world crash. Of course, this has been difficult in the past, especially with people. There were a few on whom I depended entirely, whose actions and words set my mood, and who destroyed me when they left. But I learned my lesson. I now love without expecting anything in return, and if people don't want me in their lives, I won't force myself on them. My life is not identified by anyone or anything in it. Learning that was a breakthrough for happiness.

And last, but not least, is the aforementioned fact that I have a relationship with Jesus. However, having a relationship and rooting an identity are two entirely different things. My God is the only one who loves me unconditionally and on whom I can depend to take care of me in all aspects -- emotional, physical, and spiritual. He is the only one who never changes and who has and will always be there. There is no risk of Him leaving, and whatever He does in my life, although sometimes painful, I can be assured is for the best. He has given me all the tools for happiness. I just had to learn how to use them.

The Power of a Best Friend

I'm psyched because I just got my ticket to PA to visit my best friend. Which made me realize that she, more than anyone else, deserves a separate post simply because she is AWESOME. And also because for some reason some people in my life are not aware of her existence. Maybe it's because she's far away. But that definitely doesn't make her less valuable to me!



We met while working at a Christian kid's camp and had that instant connection that can't really be defined, but is vital for any friendship to work. It's the kind when you just trust the person right away and find that you can talk to them forever about anything and everything. A bunch of visits to each other's houses later -- we lived a couple hours apart -- our friendship was sealed. The "best" part of friends just kind of naturally emerged a little later. Perhaps it was because of the colorful memories and situations we were thrown into together. Like a historic snow storm that suddenly fell on Massachusetts the weekend I went to visit her, in which we went driving around an empty town until finally finding one open coffee shop where we sipped on earl grey tea and talked for hours. Or her meeting her now husband at a conference where we went together. Or us shopping for engagement rings, just for fun, and her being proposed to only a few days later, getting that exact ring that we've picked out, and asking me to be her maid of honor...



All of these memories though can't even compare with how much she's been there for me. From sound advice when I was about to settle for less in relationships, to random gifts and hilarious cards I'd receive in the mail JUST at the moment I'd need them most. The last time I went to visit her -- after two years of not seeing each other -- was probably the biggest blessing that deserves a separate mention. She didn't know it at the time, but that was the beginning of a long healing process from a bunch of destructive relationships that I was in.



Fully immersed in the drama of people who should never be allowed to be as close, I was codependent on a few of them, and utterly lost. My identity was in the wrong place. My heart was in the wrong place. Myself was nonexistent -- I forgot who I am and what I'm like. I lived through others and didn't care for relationships in my own life. Visiting her brought me back down to earth. I remembered why I value what I value. Why I think like I think. Why I believe what I believe. And why I act how I act. And I won't even mention how much love I received from her family through material things (such as covering 100% of my expenses while I was there, putting me in their brand new master bedroom with a jacuzzi, and hand-holding me through my very first time snowboarding). I've never had anyone genuinely take such good care of me before (or since).



Some people in our life just want to much off of what we have. Others become idols that feed off of our insecurities. But I've been blessed with a best friend who is truly THE BEST. And I'm super happy that I get to be a significant part of her life forever and that she's such a big part of mine. And that I'm finally going to visit her again so soon! I love you Jenny :)

For the girl whose heart got broken and the one who's about to fall for a jerk... And for the jerk.

I really wish I could tell you girl that you will be ok and it's all eventually going to go away. It won't. The real thing'll keep hurting for a long, long time. I am hoping that what you felt/feel towards him isn't real love, and that when the real thing comes, he'll be instantly out of your mind. The most horrible thing is having to chose between duty and desire. But hopefully through the pain you'll learn one thing: not to give your heart away to a man who is not your husband.

I heard this thought in Mars Hill last sunday, and posted it on facebook. Immediately, responses started flowing in with people's opinions. I found myself responding back, with not enough room to hold all my thoughts on the topic. A larger post was in order, and several conversations with different people after I realized it's VERY MUCH in order.

If you're not in love with him yet, stop yourself now. You really can control what you are feeling. Stop the thoughts, the dreams, the wild run of your imagination, and fill the longing with God! That's right. Read the bible. It's the only method that will help. But soon you will train your mind to obey, and will realize that you really CAN control your feelings. Do it before it's too late, and you'll save yourself many years of heartache. That's right. I said years.

If you are young and think that you'll grow out of it, I'm here to dissappoint you. There. I just did. You won't grow out of it. And the older you'll get, the more you'll realize that all you are doing is wasting time on somebody who is so not worth it. Then you'll start convincing yourself that a life with him will be nothing but bad news, and you are right. Listen to that inner voice of wisdom. This is NOT the time to listen to your heart! I have yet to hear a couple say that what they originally felt for each other is what made their marriage last. I have met plenty who fell in love with their spouses after marriage. I have met even more that fell out of love after marriage, and then there was nothing left to build the relationship and family on.

To the guy who is a player or is toying with the idea of a fling that won't lead to anything serious. You can really really mess her life up. I mean, make a major, gigantic, mess. You can turn her from a carefree, life-loving individual into a pathetic, unsure, depressed dot. Don't do it. You don't understand how long it takes us to bounce back. And that's from those secondary encounters on top of the one and only weirdo we're in love with. One guy came to me once, and complained that when he realized a girl he liked wasn't as faithfully into him as he hoped, it really hurt for a long time. Like three days. I laughed in his face. For an average girl, if she has any feelings for you at all and isn't a complete slut who hooks up with everyone (and those girls have feelings too once in a while by the way!) it takes about a year to stop feeling the pain. And that depends largely on how far you went with her physically. Sounds like a long time, right? That's because it is. So be a real man. Real men don't hurt real women.

To the reader of this blog who is thinking too much right now... Yes, it was partially inspired by personal experience. But mostly by conversations I've had lately with some of my close friends, as well as the comment from Mars Hill. Amazingly my heart hasn't been broken for a good two years now -- a pretty long time considering my track record. And I finally feel secure enough to write about it and warn other people. Hopefully it works at least a little bit. People have tried to warn me, but I didn't listen. Big mistake. Don't make it!

Couldn't find this song to embed, but here's a link to it.
http://music.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=music.artistalbums&artistid=2997697&ap=0&albumid=5352643

20 for R71

I'm sure that this post will make my blog unpopular and controversial. I definitely didn't mean it to be like that when I started writing, but there are certain issues I cannot stay quiet about. So here comes my serious theological voice.

Not sure what my views are on separation of church and state, but my church passed out R71's last Sunday. (Referendum that reverses the legislative decision to pass a law that effectively makes same-sex marriages legal.) Despite my hesitation on the topic of church/state separation, my views on preserving marriage as a union between one man and one woman are pretty set. So I grabbed one for myself to sign and figured I'd pass it around to the Christians I know who would stand up for this cause. To my utter surprise, I soon realized that I do not know 20 Christians, who are registered to vote, and wouldn't be afraid to sign such a petition. But I wanted to prove myself wrong.

Those who know me will vouch that I am no political activist. I'm actually a pretty solid introvert who is afraid to talk to people. And although I hide it well, unless they are with long-term proven-themselves-over-the-years i-grew-up-with-them friends, most conversations take tremendous efforts for me to start or continue. You can only imagine what it took me to approach people outside of church, in a workplace that just passed a decision to officially support that legislation.

Why would I put myself through the trouble of approaching people outside of church? You tell me my fellow church members. Right now I am not talking to those who aren't eligible to vote yet, or to those who don't attend a Slavic primarily immigrant filled church. (Or to those who already signed the R71 or are not signing because they are against it.) But the rest of you... You think you are so righteous and correct in your legalistic traditionalism. You preach pretty words from the pulpit to a crowd of people who are happy to agree with you at a moments' notice. (How brave of you.) But in your five, ten, fifteen, twenty-five years in the United States you haven't bothered to become a citizen, or worse yet - register to vote, which takes about 5 seconds online! Actions speak louder than words. Take the time to do something that can actually change the way things run in the country that is now your home! Especially my generation -- there is no excuse. But also Pastors and Deacons -- what kind of an example are you setting to the youth in church if you are too lazy to practice what you preach? LITERALLY!!! Instead of not finding 20 people... I didn't find ONE who would sign the petition. It's a shame, really.

So now I'm fighting my fears and approaching the people at work who I think might sign this referendum. It's as scary as it gets for me. Every person on my mental list is a battle, but I'm fighting my anxiety and approaching them, one by one. So far only one hasn't signed. I'm still determined to prove myself wrong and find twenty Christians, who are registered to vote, and will not be afraid to sign the R71 sitting on my desk.

Let me know if you are one of them. The deadline for submitting this Referendum is July 22nd.

Storm

I was "inspired" to write about this on Sunday, but hesitated because I already posted that day. I guess I should have, because yesterday I was too exhausted to write anything at all. Interestingly enough, I still have the same topic on my mind today. In the past, I'd think of something, but would end up writing about an entirely different thing the next day. I guess somebody really needs to read this though. So here goes.

On my way back from Mars Hill church (great sermons! check them out at http://www.marshillchurch.org/) I had the urge all of a sudden to turn off music in my car and just have a quiet moment to look around, and notice the sky (note to those who don't know me: music is NEVER off when I'm driving). When I looked up, there was a rainbow -- always reminding me of God's love for people. But even though it was encouraging to see, the rainbow did not catch my attention. What held my gaze was the ugly yellowish color of the storm cloud, with yellow puffy little clouds on top. I wondered why God would choose that particular moment for me to look up. There was nothing beautiful about the sky above. I paid no attention to the sunlight all around me, until I realized that I am driving head first into a storm.

And everything was gone. The sky became one big black blob, and the rain poured so hard that I couldn't see the stoplights of the car in front of me. This went on for about twenty minutes. Nothing but loud, heavy rain beating on my car and completely blocking my view. I'm not usually scared to drive in the rain, but I slowed down significantly and said a quick prayer for protection. (Nothing happened by the way so don't expect a miracle accident story.) I guess it was overwhelming that the rain came so sudden and strong.

Just when I thought I couldn't take anymore of driving in such conditions, the storm suddenly stopped and ahead of me I saw a glimpse of beautiful, clear, blue sky. The clouds were nothing like the ones I left behind. The colors were vibrant and cheerful. Although I couldn't see it yet, I could tell that the sun was shining out there. And this time I really noticed all the corners of the sky that had its' rays reflecting on it! While the rain drops got further and further apart, I kept thinking about the analogy that I could draw from this picture. I thought about how in order to appreciate the sun and see the beautiful clouds you have to drive through a storm. That that's how it is in life sometimes. But right when I actually saw the sun and was about to drive out into the open sky the freeway turned, and in front of me I found the endless storm cloud again.

In order to get to a clear sky you got to keep driving in that direction. If you veer off even a little bit you will drive into the cloud again. If you go back, you will hit the storm. And even though there is sunshine on the side you originally came from, the sky is still the murky sickly yellow grey color. To get to the vibrant blue sky and appreciate the sun you have to keep going straight.

I am no philosopher. I don't have deep insights and analogies to offer at the end of my story. All I know is that for some reason, for some person, I had to share this. Whoever you are, I hope it helps and I hope you draw the right conclusions and applications from my little weather experience.

Oh, and if you don't like the weather in Seattle.... wait twenty minutes :)