First Stuff

I've waited for at least 10 years to finally have my own space to decorate exactly how I want. I now have the place, the money for the stuff, and the time to go buy it. So after a long trip to a couple stores tonight I came home with... NOTHING. And I don't understand what the heck is wrong with me! But I have my theories.

Theory #1: There's too much stuff to buy and I don't know where to start. I practically don't have anything to move into my apartment, except for my clothes. Ironically, clothes are the only thing that even made it into my shopping cart today. I walked up and down at least a dozen isles, some of them several times. I touched the towels, took out the laundry hampers, compared prices for the coffee makers, and couldn't decide.

Theory #2: It's unfamiliar territory. I mean, throw me into clothes or shoes and I'll be able to tell you exactly what's worth what, what's a good bargain, and what's a worthy investment. By now I'm instinctually able to pick out quality. Even in places like TJ Maxx and Ross I still manage to get drawn to the only purse in the store that costs $299.00 (on sale!). Household stuff? Not so much. I have no clue how much pots and pans cost, and which ones are good quality. And my usual modernish style definitely doesn't mesh well with the quirkiness of my new place. Plus, I haven't stayed there long enough to know the dimensions and to figure out exactly what I need and don't need. I also don't know how much stuff I'll be able to comfortable jack from home, and I definitely don't want to invest in duplicates...

Theory #3: I'm resenting leaving home now that I have to do it. I think this was most strongly evident today when out of a line of dishes in target I was only attracted to the white ones with... PINK FLOWERS!!! If you know anything about me, you'll remember that I'm all about clean lines, weird shapes, and classy or bright colors. Flowers... not so much. I've successfully killed several plants in my office, and about half of my mom's potted flowers while she was gone. I'm just NOT a flower person -- live or decoration. But I'm imagining them hanging from the hook outside my window! Am I turning into mom?!

Theory #4: I'm being smart about money. Maybe the difficult part is choosing what I get right away and what I get later. But the looming sense that rent is due September 1st and on the first of every month for the next year is... overwhelming. And I'm not about to get into credit card debt just so I can have all my stuff right away. That'd make it fun only for one night anyways. There'd be no gradual acquisition of treasures... No history of my household. So pick and choose I must.

Theory #5: It's that mentality of opposition. Now that I have to actually buy everything, I don't want to do it! It's the same in working and writing. I only enjoy it when I don't have to. I've had so many days when I'd start outputing crazy amounts of work the minute it's time to go home! And accomplish more in several hours on a weekend in my office than I've done the entire week... I guess it's called stubborness. I should work on that.

All I'm hoping for is that tomorrow will be a new day, I'll be well rested, and think better than tonight. Because right now I can't stop thinking about those dishes with flowers... Which just shows I really need some sleep.

Life's Too Good :)

I saved this topic to protect myself from being intruded on at unreasonable hours by intruders as well as friends who are only there when they find that you have a place available to party all night. (Not exactly my thing.) My parents have been on vacation for the past three weeks, and tonight they are finally coming home! :)

For the first three days I missed them like crazy. Coming back to an empty house after work and having noone there to talk to killed. There I was, left all by myself (not counting cat), in a four bedroom house full of responsibilities and weird creeping creatures that imagination creates when it's dark and quiet.

But to my utter amazement, I adjusted to living by myself very fast. House chores don't really feel like chores when you're doing them for yourself and on your own time. And loneliness is quickly gone once you find something to occupy your mind, which has never been a problem for me. I'm an only child, so I never depended on other people to entertain me. I cooked up a storm -- including a steak and lobster dinner, which I didn't have to share with ANYONE(Only child trait coming through!), and four cakes in twenty-four hours! And I enjoyed every second of it on an empty kitchen with nobody telling me how to do things better. (You think I'm talking about mom? Guess again! Yes, she does it, but dad has developed a habit too lately. Never mind that he's been MIA from the kitchen for the entire duration of my life! :)

The experience of living on my own was entirely different from when I moved to college five years ago. I didn't last back then. Maybe I grew up a little slower than the rest of my generation, but I've heard from others too that it took them about three months to stop missing home. I honestly don't think kids are emotionally ready to move out at 18. I definitely wasn't. And I haven't seriously entertained the thought until this year, and only because my commute was so tedious. I was still anxious though that I would miss home and waste money on rent while going back every day, like I did in college.

But I guess growing up creeps up unexpectedly and one day you just realize that you are an adult. That's what happened to me over the past couple weeks. I realized that I'll be more than fine on my own. That I love talking to my parents, but I'm not dependent on them (or anyone else) emotionally anymore. It's an empowering and liberating feeling. It's as if God knew the right timing for me. Because a week ago I started looking for apartments again after a month break of searching and finding nothing. I fell in love with the first place I went to see. And I got it. So now I'm officially a resident of Seattle, WA, 98103!!!

Sunset from the window of my place (taken by previous tenant).

Procrastination

It seems that I have CONTINUOUS writers' block when it comes to deadlines and HAVING to write. All I have to do right now is write a couple little paragraphs for a website. I also have all the information in the world that I'd need for that, so there's no research required. It will probably take me oh... i don't know... maybe a minute to throw something together. But NO! I sit and stare at the email with all the information, as if expecting a vision which would have the paragraph conveniently written out for me to copy, to formulate in there.

And is it all worth the stress I'm creating for myself? Probably not. But I'm pained by the fact that I promised to finish it in the afternoon. And although I have a very good excuse -- our webcasting department at work went a bit insane today -- I still don't like to promise things and not get them done. And yet I go on my OWN blog and write words and words worth of grumbling about my annoying procrastination habit instead of taking only a few moments to do what I promised I'll do. What is wrong with me?! I really feel like I have some childhood issues to work through with this.

Alright. I have no other means of procrastinating anymore. I've responded to everyone on Facebook, wrote on my blog, called my grandma and two of my aunts, and texted about a dozen of my friends. So I officially declare that I will now be writing what I'm supposed to be writing. Not like it would help, since I've announced many a time on facebook that I'll get work done and have accomplished close to nothing on those days... It's reverse psychology. Maybe I should study psychology. That way I can understand my procrastination problem and fix it! That's an idea! Alright. I'm off to study psychology :)

10 Things I'd Like to Do (Before I die?)

This list has been long in the making and involved a lot of thought. I couldn't quite think of 10 things I want to do though. But the title "6 things to do before I die" didn't seem as catchy.

1. Live in Paris
Ever since I was a little girl I've been fascinated with everything French. Ironically, it spun out of my deep love for everything Russian. While reading Tolstoy's novels and Pushkin's poetry I became aware that the sign of Russian Nobility was everything French -- speaking French, owning property in France, French fashion, French cooking, and French writing. Since my ancestors include mayors of both Moscow and St. Petersburg, I've longed for a connection to the past, which included nothing in my own life back in Latvia. They taught us English, Latvian and German in school. The only people who took French were ballet dancers. I wasn't one.

When I moved to United States one of the first choices I had to make was a language to take in High School. The options were French, Spanish, and Latin. Neeless to say, I jumped at the chance to take French, and stuck with it for 8 years, all the way through the end of College. Unfortunately I never got a chance to study abroad, although I always wanted to. Hence, my desire to live in France has gone unfulfilled, but I'm hoping that eventually an opportunity will present itself.



2. Live in NYC
There's something about the energy in New York that always leaves you wanting more. Although the pace of the city intimidates me, I've always felt an unexplainable freedom when walking through its streets. While living back on the East Coast, I had a chance to make a trip at least every 6 months. And every single time I wanted to stay. My only attempt at getting to New York was an application to NYU. I got wait-listed and never got in. (Although I blame my school -- one of the best in the state. College competition consisted entirely of my class and a 3.86 GPA wasn't even close to enough in competing with people who ended up going to Harvard, Yale, Brown and Columbia. Although my transfer record must have been compelling enough, colleges obviously couldn't accept all 286 of us from the same High School. So they chose the best, which wasn't me.)

I feel a certain connection to New York, because I got a chance to live through a piece of its pain almost 10 years ago now. I've been on the top of the Twin Towers. A few months later I visited Ground Zero. I remember where I was on September 11, 2001, and I remember lines of people by the phones in my school and kids crying because they couldn't get a hold of their parents who worked there. Although I'm as far away as you can get from New York now, a piece of it is always in me.



3. Live on my own for a year
Well this is about to happen, and Seattle is probably the best place to accomplish this goal. By now the city feels cozy and friendly, so getting out on my own isn't as intimidating as it would be in New York or Paris. I think it's a huge part of growing up and learning about life. Why is it on a list of things to do? In the russian christian community it's common for a girl to live with her parents all the way until she gets married. When a woman gets out on her own people ask questions and wonder what she is hiding (unless she went to school in a city far away from home -- also uncommon.) I've got nothing to hide. But I want the experience.



4. See the Northern Lights
Ok. This one is random. But I just think it'd be a cool thing to do! And it's totally accomplishable. All I gotta do is book a vacation in Norway! Packages include accomodations at an Ice Hotel as well as dog-sleighing. Both sound like a lot of fun to me!



5. Start my own business -- preferably run a non-profit that has something to do with helping orphans in Latvia.
Toying with the idea of becoming an independent business owner has been a common activity on my morning commute. Although I know that I'm definitely not yet at a point where I know enough to go through with it, I've been thinking about this a LOT. I have millions of ideas, but the one above is closest to my heart.

Since 12 years old I've been involved in helping out with kid camps back in Latvia. I've done some work translating, as well as being a counselor. A lot of those camps brought kids from orphanages. Their stories were heartbreaking, and their living conditions sad, at the least. Having an apportunity to make a difference excites me, and I'm sure God will use my desire in His timing and make this happen.



6. Have a family
Well, this is pretty self-explanatory, and not at all uncommon, but a lot of people are surprised to hear it come out of my mouth. For some reason I project this image of a determined career woman who'll walk on people's heads to get ahead. In reality, career is the last thing I want. Although a lot of employers will frown at this, a job to me is a way to make enough for living so that I can comfortably spend time with my family. As much time as I can. After all, a huge house and an expensive car mean nothing if you have nobody living and riding in it with you.

I've also realized that the bible is right on in a sense that a woman is emotionally wired to take care of her family and maintain the house. For me it's clear because those things come naturally and evoke a feeling of warmth and comfort. When I think about a career, I feel confused and intimidated. And I'm not a woman who'll fight her innate instincts to prove that she's better than a man. We're not better or worse. We're just different!



I have trouble ending things. But this IS the end.

Goals and Expectations

Let's disappoint right off the bet: this is not a post about my goals (who cares anyways :). This is a post about self-discovery. Here is what I've discovered about self:

Under the pressure of other peoples' expectations, along with societal convictions taught in schools, on job sites, and through self-help books, I've been desperately trying to set goals and personal deadlines. Recently it dawned on me that I've never functioned well with those in mind. It's like a switch is triggered inside, and as soon as an expectation is put forth, my entire self pushes against it. I'm sure there are deep psychological issues from early childhood linked to this phenomenon, but I'm no expert to try and i.d. those.

What I figured out is this: I do the best when nobody, including myself, expects it from me. Case in point -- it took forever to start this blog. I've been thinking about it for two years! (Not exaggerating!) I kept setting deadlines for myself, only to wallow in guilt when I didn't follow through time and time again. Then, along with every other idea I've nurtured for years, God asked me to let this endeavor go and just relax. "Be still, and know that I Am God!" Psalm 46:10. It was probably the best request He's ever made of me! And He sure knew what He was doing. As soon as I surrendered and let everything go, things started happening. Writing was only one of the areas that finally came through. Once I started, I was determined not to set any goals or deadlines. I write because I like it, and not because I have to. And apparently, that's what works best!

So here is my promise to all my faithful readers: I will not write daily, weekly, monthly or on any other set schedule. Some days I might post twice. Other times I might disappear entirely until further notice. I will not stick to a certain subject. If I'm inspired to talk about politics, I won't write about fashion, and vice-versa. I will not tell you I won't advertise on here, because someday I just might decide I want to. I will not aim for a certain number of hits a day (although I think the more the merrier) and go out of my way to direct traffic here. If people like it -- they'll tell their friends. On the other hand, I will not be determined to depend exclusively on other peoples' buzz-marketing, and might shamelessly tell you about my writing in person, if I choose to. I want this to stay as something that I love to do. So I won't make the mistake of setting expectations again.

No Place Like Home - The Real One

I love home. It's a pain to get me outta there on weekends. People think I'm weird because I can spend Friday nights, Saturdays AND Sundays at home and not want to go out. Naturally, people wonder what on earth I am doing there and why I like it so much.

This is unusual for a 23 year old, but I find a lot of satisfaction in household chores. And as long as I don't have to do them everyday, I actually enjoy laundry, ironing, cooking and cleaning. Since done quite sporadically, those chores take up a hefty chunk of time on my weekends. Other times I'll spend hours on the computer organizing and editing pictures. Mostly though I'll just be outside tanning and reading a good book. (Current read: Jane Eyre. Never read it in English..)

Confession time: I still live with my parents. (I guess this only makes the fact that I love staying home more shocking...) I've lived with them all the way through college to save on room and board, since the campus was only 5 minutes away. And I've chosen to live with them after I was done to pay off my college loans. (Success! I'm a year out from finishing college and have no student debt!)

Confession time: I've chosen to live with my parents because I like it. I've been blessed with parents who are easy to get along with and wonderful to talk to. Especially now, that I only come home to sleep during the week (if even), and don't get to spend as much time with them as before. Quality time during morning coffee out on the porch is the reason I haven't given up my addiction yet. And evening tea conversations have been known to last for hours into the night.

The word that many have used to describe our house is "cozy." Cozy comes naturally to my mom. I have always rebelled against her herding and mismatched style by decorating my rooms with simple, elegant, preferably black and white minimalism. But to tell you the truth, I've never spent much time in my rooms. I tend to gravitate towards my mom's rose garden and plush lawn in our backyard (perfect for tanning!)Or to the family room downstairs which is filled with everything our family identifies with: walls of shelves filled with books, a piano, stashes of cd's, and myriads of photographs with panoramic views of Riga (the city where my family is from.)

Home is the place where I reboot. It's a place where I find unconditional love and support. It's a place to slow down and just... be. Even if it's only for a day or two. I hope that when I get my own place this fall I will be able to create the same atmosphere of home that I have right now, but somehow I think it's not about the decorations and the things. It's about the people and the relationships. So I guess weekends will still be spent... home.

20 for R71

I'm sure that this post will make my blog unpopular and controversial. I definitely didn't mean it to be like that when I started writing, but there are certain issues I cannot stay quiet about. So here comes my serious theological voice.

Not sure what my views are on separation of church and state, but my church passed out R71's last Sunday. (Referendum that reverses the legislative decision to pass a law that effectively makes same-sex marriages legal.) Despite my hesitation on the topic of church/state separation, my views on preserving marriage as a union between one man and one woman are pretty set. So I grabbed one for myself to sign and figured I'd pass it around to the Christians I know who would stand up for this cause. To my utter surprise, I soon realized that I do not know 20 Christians, who are registered to vote, and wouldn't be afraid to sign such a petition. But I wanted to prove myself wrong.

Those who know me will vouch that I am no political activist. I'm actually a pretty solid introvert who is afraid to talk to people. And although I hide it well, unless they are with long-term proven-themselves-over-the-years i-grew-up-with-them friends, most conversations take tremendous efforts for me to start or continue. You can only imagine what it took me to approach people outside of church, in a workplace that just passed a decision to officially support that legislation.

Why would I put myself through the trouble of approaching people outside of church? You tell me my fellow church members. Right now I am not talking to those who aren't eligible to vote yet, or to those who don't attend a Slavic primarily immigrant filled church. (Or to those who already signed the R71 or are not signing because they are against it.) But the rest of you... You think you are so righteous and correct in your legalistic traditionalism. You preach pretty words from the pulpit to a crowd of people who are happy to agree with you at a moments' notice. (How brave of you.) But in your five, ten, fifteen, twenty-five years in the United States you haven't bothered to become a citizen, or worse yet - register to vote, which takes about 5 seconds online! Actions speak louder than words. Take the time to do something that can actually change the way things run in the country that is now your home! Especially my generation -- there is no excuse. But also Pastors and Deacons -- what kind of an example are you setting to the youth in church if you are too lazy to practice what you preach? LITERALLY!!! Instead of not finding 20 people... I didn't find ONE who would sign the petition. It's a shame, really.

So now I'm fighting my fears and approaching the people at work who I think might sign this referendum. It's as scary as it gets for me. Every person on my mental list is a battle, but I'm fighting my anxiety and approaching them, one by one. So far only one hasn't signed. I'm still determined to prove myself wrong and find twenty Christians, who are registered to vote, and will not be afraid to sign the R71 sitting on my desk.

Let me know if you are one of them. The deadline for submitting this Referendum is July 22nd.

Writers' Block

I have officially hit writers' block. And I never thought I'd say that :) Lucky for me, a little pre-planning got me a list of potential things that I'd want to write about eventually. The problem: none of them seem appealing at the moment. So if this post seems forced and unnatural, it's because it is. I guess I will just start a tradition of posting lists once in a while, and start with a list of things I'm currently bummed about.

1. Inna is not calling me back with her work schedule. I was going to have a mini-birthday party tonight at her place. Can't let anyone know until she gets back to me and it's already 1pm.

2. Even if Inna gets back to me, the GayPride parade and events are closing off all the streets around Halo. So we probably won't have anywhere to park.

3. If I cancel my mini-party that means I wasted 1/4 a tank of Gas driving to Seattle today.

4. I'm officially jealous. Of my parents. Because their tickets to Latvia have nice seats that they got to choose, fly directly through Copenhagen, have extra leg room, include 2 pieces of luggage each, are fully refundable, and the flight is 13 hours long. The airline will choose my seats, I'm flying through Chicago and Warsaw (not to anyone flying international: Do NOT fly through Chicago!), my flight will be 19 hours and all I will take is a carry on. And my ticket cost $100 more than theirs and aren't refundable.

5. I miss some of my old friends. Very old. And I'm pretty sure that I've lost all their contact information except MySpace, which it looks like they've last checked on April 11. So talking to them is probably not happening for a while...

6. I'm realizing that Salsa is hard! I wish I could go back to the time when I didn't think about anything and just danced. I swear I danced better back then!

7. I can't wait to have a career that I want, yet am completely unmotivated to work towards it.

8. My cell phone sucks. It needs to die.

9. I feel like I'm a complainer and project the wrong image to the world :)

10. I have writer's block.

Happy Birthday to Me!!!

I know, I slacked and didn't write anything today. But I have a good excuse :) It's my birthday! I deserve a day off...

Have a great weekend peoples!!!

New Life, New City

Alright, so maybe this post comes a wee bit late... (about a year). But only half of my life is in Seattle right now. So while plans to relocate are contemplated, pre-meditated and put into action, I'll be sharing my thoughts and experiences -- past and present. A person is qualified for "Klueless" if they're not living in a city, right?



The half of my life that already IS in Seattle is work. I am currently employed by a rather prestigious organization that pertains to neither my major or passion. But hey, I'm EMPLOYED! Straight out of college and in this economy! This could, of course, be just an excuse for being a lazy bum and not pursuing any career I'd actually enjoy. I could also blame mentality instilled since childhood -- work is not supposed to be enjoyable. It's supposed to make money. Maybe I'm not brave enough to challenge that thinking yet. But the day will come. Trust you me!



I've been commuting from about an hour away for the last 12 months. By this time it's gotten old, especially since I've taken up several purely Seattle based activities. Between Salsa, Mars Hill church, walks on Alki and several friends residing in 981?? there is barely a day that I'm NOT in Seattle. I've been slowly exploring the city, with some exciting new finds and revelations -- but I don't feel like I can make Seattle truly my own until I move. Which will happen in September. Until then -- bear with me and my pearls of wisdom about completely miscellaneous events and interests.



I was considering starting 5 different blogs but quickly changed my mind. So if you are interested in books, fashion, music, salsa, theology, economy, snowboarding, apartment hunting, money saving, negotiating deals, and embarrassing moments, all at the same time, go ahead and add this to your favorites.