The Characters of Salsa

Ok, so by now probably all of you know that I take Salsa. I didn't start that long ago, and therefore didn't consider myself expert enough to write about it. Then I noticed how my perception of Salsa changed over time and decided that it'd be fun to read what I used to think. So here's a break down of all the characters I've spotted on the dance floor so far. Of course, this is from the perception of a follow. All characters have been made up, so any similarity you might see with your own self is pure coincidence. Ok, that was a little white lie. But honestly, all of these are based on more than one person, (yes, even the teachers - I've had the pleasure of dancing with at least six by now!) so if you see yourself, know at least that you're not the only one! Conversely.. some leads might exhibit more than one character at once. Don't ask me later which one is you. If I'm still dashing to dance with you, you probably aren't any of the bad ones :) And follows... I'm sure you'll enjoy and agree! Let me know if I missed some characters.

Mr. Twistie: the lead who uses enough force to get you flying to the other coast of the pacific! This one will hurt you. He can’t lead, and compensates for that with sheer force. You will feel like you’ve just been taken in by fifty cops who are all trying to handcuff you in the back.

Mr. U-turn: As in YOU turn, and not him. This one thinks that his skill as a lead is measured by the amount of turns he can fit in one song. You’ll come out lightheaded at the least.

The Spinnster: even worse than Mr. U-turn. His only skill is turning you multiple times followed by a dip. By multiple I mean ten-fifteen times. That’s all he’ll do the entire song. Prep, spin, dip. Prep, spin, dip. If you can make it to the window after the dance without falling on your face, you’re good. Never dance with him again.

The Grandpa Who Can Barely Move: that’s pretty self-explanatory. He can barely walk, much less can he dance. For the first 20 seconds you will admire that Salsa is addicting enough for people to want to still go out at this age. You will soon start worrying that the grandpa will fall over if you make too large a step. Then you’ll just be bored. Barely moving grandpas are an excellent way to learn to keep your steps small though. As in microscopic.

The Older Creep: He wants to dance with you all the time. More than one song a night. He’s counting on you feeling bad to turn him down. But you can tell that his eyes are imagining what’s underneath your dress. The dance with this one will consist mostly of you trying to keep his hands as far away from your body as physically possible while still dancing Salsa. You will avoid all future eye contact.

The Younger Creep: His first question to you will be “are you single?” Next, he will proclaim that in a week he will be your boyfriend/husband/lover. This dancer will amaze you with his blatant audacity to stare at your chest. He will then stalk you and wonder why the heck you don’t want to dance with him again. He will claim that you were such good friends and then something happened. This is a good time to mention that he never bothered to ask your name. There’s a slight chance that at this point he’ll abandon all future references to your “good” friendship.

The Scary Teacher: He is the one who has some special style that’s impossible to follow, but you really, really want to, because you want him to think that you are good enough. It will take forever to adjust to him. Leave trying to dance with this one until you are at least in Salsa 4.

The Secret Teacher: He is the lead that you can’t get enough of. He mentions something about a totally different area of work that he does, and tries to never mention his true profession: teaching Salsa. Once you find out from somebody else, he blushes and acts all bashful. But trust me, on the inside he likes the praises, so bring out some more! This is the person whose tips you want to listen to.

Too Much of a Good Thing: This guy is good. At first you couldn’t wait to dance with him, but now… it just got old. Because he asked you every other song ever since he discovered that you go out dancing to the same place as him. He couldn’t keep the mystery.

The Mysterious Pro: He is part of a dance team and barely travels around the floor. He waits until the lady’s flock to him. Then he chooses. Or not. After all, he doesn’t have to be dancing every song. He’s too good for that. If you are a mere mortal, you will NOT get to dance with this guy.

The Mysterious Loner: He travels the side of the floor and once in a while you might even catch his eye. He might even smile at you and come up. Then he’ll stand nearby, but never ask you. You will wonder what the heck is going on and keep thinking about him for the entire duration of the night. He will be the one for whom you’ll break your promise to yourself to never ask a guy to dance. Then he’ll get you thinking that he’s just… shy. But maybe it’s just part of his game.

The Guy From Your Class: He’s not that good yet, but you know exactly what he’s trying to do, because he’s from your class! So somehow it works. This is the guy you’ll love dancing with just because you two can laugh at each others’ mistakes and still have a good time. Unless you are the snobby follow who thinks she’s too good for three fourths of the dance floor. Then it’s your loss honey. Because you’re missing out on the “social” part of social dancing!

The Know-It-All: He will constantly comment on how your feet are not moving the right way. That’s because in his head, the counting somehow missed the connection to the music. He moves at his own rhythm, and is very much possible to dance with, if you catch the rhythm and ignore the beat of what’s playing at the time. Since what’s playing is probably blasting, this will be hard. It will be even harder not to laugh in his face or want to make a sarcastic comment back at him when he says that you are not moving to the beat. But resist the urge. He has no clue that he’s not moving the right way. All your comment will do is create resentment, and possibly even badmouthing to other leads.

The Want-To-Learn: Be careful to distinguish between this guy and a know-it-all. The way you’ll know is probably because he won’t comment that you are moving the wrong way. He doesn’t really catch the rhythm either, but he knows about it and wants to learn! If you are gentle, he can very much be reminded that he needs to pause on three. And he needs to be reminded that, otherwise he won’t be a good lead! Ever. And he wants to!

The Beginner: You’ll know this one because he’s either 1. Too afraid to step out on the dance floor because he knows he sucks. 2. Is blissfully unaware that he sucks yet, and asks everyone to dance. This guy knows one turn. And if he’s stepping to the right beat he’s actually completely still possible to have fun with! Unless you are the aforementioned snobby follow who’s too good for three fourths of the dance floor. Give them a chance people and stop treating beginners like leprechauns! At one point you were a beginner as well.

The Hip-Hop Invasion: He thinks that Salsa is not really Salsa. And Quick-Quick-Slow, Quick-Quick-Slow, can be totally substituted with Slow-Slow-Slow-Slow. This is actually not a bad example of a lead, as many of you might think. They are a lot of fun and very inspiring, at least for me. But I can see how faithful Salseras might be offended by their shameless hip-hop invasion.

Mr. Lookin-Good: a.k.a. Mr. Selfish. His only goal in the dance is to look good. Not as a couple. Just him. He has style. He’ll do weird turns, weird hand movements and be overall smooth and fly. He doesn’t give jack if you can’t follow him or feel uncomfortable with his moves. He doesn’t care if you just stand there as well. All he cares about is looking good. He’s fun to dance with the first time, but then it just gets a little funny and ridiculous. After all, it takes two to Tango. Well it takes two to Salsa as well. This guy just forgot.

Mr. Puppet: He THINKS he’s fly. At least Mr. Lookin-Good really WAS. This guy is doing something with his body that reminds you either of pre-mortal convulsions or the devil doing his dance around you. He looks ridiculous. In fact, he looks so ridiculous that you are having a difficult time not laughing at him. He looks like a cross between a puppet on a string and a Billy goat. He might not be a bad lead, but he’s embarrassing to dance with, even for the follow who’s not too good for three fourths of the dance floor. If one of these got a hold of you, enjoy the show. Just try to pass your laughter for having a good time.

The Perfect Lead: Luckily, the characters above do not compile the majority of the dance floor. This character is based on WAY more than one, two or even five leads. He’s considerate. He’s smooth. He doesn’t make you feel stupid. He moves on time. He's feeling the music. He’s not pretentious and invokes no feelings of inferiority, suspense, embarrassment, or fear (for your safety or your ligaments’ health). He is himself. And you can be yourself with him. While dancing Salsa. That’s social dancing to me!


P.S.:
Mr. Extra Perfect: Unlike all the characters above, this one's only based on one real person. He's The Perfect Lead. And if he ever messes up, he gives you chocolate. You know who you are. :) :) :)